Relief

Turns out I was right.
About the angst, that is.
Since praying that prayer, I've sensed a breakthrough--
relief from the numbness that has plagued my soul and my attempted "quiet times" in recent months.

It's all a cycle, I know. I've been through this before many times.
And each time it seems to be something different that triggers the breakthrough
promptly followed by many lures back to the numbness.

Pride is a common one.
I never cease to be amazed at the ridiculous lengths my pride goes to in its attempt to stay in one piece. I can go through the darkest season of sin, or simple apathy, and just moments into my time of true repentance and that sense of being back on the same page as God, I'll find myself feeling puffed up. What is that all about??

I'm fighting it this time.
And enjoying. I really am. I'm enjoying my times with God this week.

And something else is "back": My habit of chatting with God throughout the day.
Oh, I have a long way to go before I am really consistently "walking in the Spirit."
But I've gone through many long seasons (and many short ones) where I often found my thoughts and heart turning to God throughout the day, keeping up a semi-running dialogue with Him on all kinds of topics that came up.

I've been frustrated in recent months by my apparent inability to stay in tune with God throughout the day.
My husband does this--it seems to be one of his strengths.
I'm more consistent at having a sit-down-read-and-pray quiet time, but he seems more able to keep that running dialogue with God open throughout the day. Hopefully one day we will balance each other out!

Anyhow, here's what my pattern would be: In the morning, I'd have a decent quiet time. I'd be focused on God--with a few distractions. (I am highly distractible. God is very patient with me.) I would pray for God to fill me with His Holy Spirit, to help me walk in the Spirit today. Then I'd go from quiet time to my "to do" list, or to class or whatever ... and hours later I would realize I had not thought about God since.

It frustrated me.
I'd WANT to be constantly aware of Him, in tune with Him.
But other than being consciously focused on Him, so often it just didn't happen.

Like I said, I've had varying experiences of this, in different seasons of life, but the most recent season has been a leaving-God-in-the-quiet-time-journal kind of season. Much to my chagrin and detriment.

However, that's been different this past week, too.
I hear the still small voice again.

I find myself worrying about a major new responsibility I'll be taking on this fall ... and sense Him nudging me to talk to Him about it.

I find myself getting annoyed with someone ... and hear Him nudging me again to process those feelings with Him. To get below the surface and figure out what's in me that's bothered by whatever the person's doing. Why am I so annoyed? So defensive? What's that covering up?

And I love it. I love that sense of walking with Him again.
Not just checking in once or twice a day ... but walking with Him throughout the day.

I used to pray spontaneously all the time with my friends, too--it was normal in the circle of friends and coworkers I had where I lived before. That's something else I miss. And it helps with the continuity of walking with Him, abiding in Him throughout the day. It's something I want to get more comfortable doing with the friends I have here, and doing it more often with my husband.

All this to say yes, I am thankful for the angst. For the dissatisfaction.
I'm glad I once again have an appetite for our good God, for that which truly satisfies.
Thankful for His grace in reminding me to talk to Him throughout the day.
And praying that it lasts.