Trust

Trust is so difficult sometimes.
Actually ... I take that back.
It's not trust itself; I really DO trust God.
But sometimes I'm not exactly sure what to trust Him FOR.
The Bible is full of promises. It's full of amazing promises that apply to me.
And, of course, there are some lovely promises that were written for specific people in a specific time (not me). They reflect God's character, but I can't necessarily hold on to them personally.

TJ and I were talking about future plans today: finances, how we're going to afford some trips we need to take this winter, what our options might be a year from now when I graduate, what kind of jobs he might be able to get with his new MDiv while we (we hope!!) start a family and then I work toward professional licensure.

I do trust God will provide, but we don't always know what that will look like.
Should I trust that He'll provide enough for me to stay home with our kids for a few years (without TJ having to work two or three jobs to make ends meet)?
Can we trust that He'll give us kids?
Can we trust that He'll provide a ministry job for TJ that will pay enough to support us, or might he have to do ministry "on the side" while returning to his old secular field in order to make ends meet? Was all the time and money he invested to get his MDiv in vain? Will God use it? Will he still be able to teach overseas like he was planning to do before he married me ... and, as it turned out, my MS?

I know that God is good. I'm not immune to doubt, but I DO trust His character.
I do trust His provision.
But sometimes when I find worries and uncertainties pop up about the future, it's easy to placate myself with, "God will provide." Which is true, and awesome. But I also want to be realistic when I comfort myself with God's promises.
Because God never promised to give me children. Spiritual children, sure, but not necessarily children of my own.
He never promised to take us overseas ... or to provide TJ with a decent-paying ministry job ... or to set me up with the type of position I want down the road.

But what I come back to again and again is this: I do trust His heart.
When I'm not sure what He's up to, or what He'll allow or provide in the future, I know that He is good. And that if I continue to walk with Him day by day and step by step, I'll be able to look back without regret.
Because from an eternal perspective, it's not about whether I'm able to raise children or pour my life into other people's kids; it's not about whether TJ works in the business world or a Bible college; it's not about whether I live out my calling in a government agency (perish the thought!) or in my "dream setting." And it's not about whether I do so in perfect health or in a wheelchair.

It's about faithfully playing our small parts in HIS great story, about abiding in Him, living in intimacy with Him and sharing His love with other people.
The rest, I am reminded once again, is just details.